How To Tell Someone You Have Herpes

But for the most part with my casual Bumble and Tinder experiences, I usually wait until the conversation is headed in the direction of “what type of situation are you looking for” or I look for an opportunity to discuss how I consider myself a very honest person. I also have very often asked the guy if they consider themselves open minded. Pretty much every time their response has been yes. It sort of primes them to be thinking of being open minded and they often follow up with “why do u ask”. I normally say something very blunt and short like “someone from my past exposed me to herpes and so I always let my prospective partners know that up front”.

Their response is usually something like “oh wow really? I’m so sorry about that” and maybe they follow up with a question.

What are you saying to them

Explain that herpes is way more common than people realize—an estimated 776,000 people in the U.S. get new infections each year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Nationwide, 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population, is infected with HSV-2.

Tell them that 80-90% of people who have genital herpes have NOT been properly diagnosed – and it is possible that they might already have the virus and not know it. And even if they don’t have it, odds are very high that many of their previous sexual partners carried the virus for genital herpes, even if they didn’t know it and were not showing any symptoms. You might recommend that he/she get tested.

Sleeping with someone who has genital herpes does NOT mean that you are automatically going to get it, too. Most people with genital herpes are shedding the virus only a small percent of the time. Let your partner know the facts about herpes transmission rates.

There are many couples in which one partner has genital herpes and the other partner does not. Although there are no absolute guarantees, but you can take the necessary precautions, the chances of spreading the herpes virus to your partner are reduced. Genital herpes does not mean abstinence from sex or a reduced enjoyment of sex.

Sample Script

I really like you, and I like the way this relationship is going, but before we become intimate I need to tell you that __ years ago I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I know that hearing the word herpes freaks a lot of people out, but before you panic, there are some things I want to make sure you know about the disease. The first is that herpes is extremely common; the CDC estimates that almost one in four women and one in eight men have genital herpes, although very few of them actually know they have it since most doctors don't screen for it routinely even if they're doing other STD tests. In many people herpes doesn't cause any symptoms, which is why it's so common.

I don't know if you've been tested for herpes, but being diagnosed the way that I was really led me to believe in the importance of getting tested myself, and asking my partners to be tested before we start having sex so that we know where we stand. It can be scary waiting to find out results or dealing with them, but I think it's only fair to treat the people I care about the way I would want to be treated, and that means being up front and honest about information that I think they have a right to know. I would like to be intimate with you in the future, so if you haven't been tested recently it would be great if you would consider doing so. I really like you, or else I wouldn't be having this awkward conversation.

Finally, since I would like to have sex with you eventually, there is one more thing I wanted to bring up. Although there is no guaranteed way to prevent herpes transmission between two people, daily suppressive therapy can help reduce transmission, and I am taking (considering taking/not taking) it. Using barriers for all forms of sex, including oral sex, can also help reduce transmission and I think we should plan on doing so. I'll also let you know if I think I may be having an outbreak so that we can do other things.

I really hope I haven't scared you off. Please take some time to read about herpes someplace with reliable information and think about what I've told you. In the meantime... do you want to get dessert?

Don't push your partner to make decision

Some people have responded immediately with an incredibly surprising, ‘You mean, that’s all you had to tell me? So what? This doesn’t change how I feel about you. Others have needed more time to digest, to come back and ask for questions, and then to digest some more.

Some partners will likely have questions, and you want to be able to provide them with accurate, nerve-quieting information that makes your status feel as normal as it really and truly is, so come armed with some facts.

People may just need a little time to assimilate the information and decide if they want to move forward with the relationship. This is where having good written information helps. You might want to print out some pages from our website and give them to him/her as a starting point. Try tell him/her where to find the reliable resource to verify the information you’ve given them.

Ask him/her to take whatever time they need to go over the information and to feel free ask you any questions if they want. If they care about you enough, they will take the time to learn the facts about herpes. As a result, it’s nice to let them know they can have as much time as they need.

How Will a Partner React?

Because of the taboo nature of STDs, it’s hard to decipher how anyone will react. Some people react negatively no matter what you say or how you say it. Others might focus more energy on herpes than on the relationship.

This is not a reflection on you. You are not responsible for their reaction. If your partner is unable to accept the facts about herpes, encourage him or her to speak with a medical expert or counsellor.

Some people think “herpes is no big deal – let’s go for it!” and that should be a warning sign that they may already have other STD’s that they don’t know about and don’t care about spreading! Stay away from these folks unless you want to pick up yet another STD!

If people are non-chalant about STD’s, and don’t want to take the time to find out about how STD’s spread and how they can be avoided, they are irresponsible and put themselves and others at risk.

While a negative reaction is possible, this doesn’t necessarily mean a bad ending. If that person values you as an individual and is interested in a relationship, something as minor as herpes shouldn’t stand in the way.

If it does, then that person obviously wasn’t a good fit in the first place. It is true that in an intimate sexual relationship with a person who has herpes (oral or genital), the risk of contracting herpes will not be zero, but while there is a possibility of contracting herpes this is a possibility for any sexually active person.

If they decide not to move forward – they are rejecting the herpes, not you! Respect whatever choice they make. Learn more about how to get over a herpes talk rejection and move on .

Avoid the "herpes" talk? Try herpes dating sites

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